“how bad was your bullying in school?”

I received a question on ask.fm about how badly I was bullied in school. I wasn’t bullied very badly, but it affected me a lot. I know I should not have let it affect me so adversely, but I simply couldn’t help it. Brace yourselves – this is going to be an extremely long post.

Trigger warning: If you’re a self-harmer, certain parts of this post may be triggering.
Guilt warning: If you were one of the few who bullied me, certain parts of this post may make you feel guilty. You deserve it.

My best friend in Secondary Two, let’s call her S (pun intended), slapped me out of the blue. She claimed I had made out with her brother, which was an extremely exaggerated version of what had actually happened – an innocent game of truth or dare whereby I merely nosed his cheek. I admit that, yes, pretending to give her brother a peck on the cheek may have been inappropriate, but I am certain that it does not warrant a slap in the face, in front of everyone during recess.

 Things went downhill from there.

The first flood of hate messages on my blog’s Chat Box (cbox) came in on a weekend morning. I mosied over to my laptop, unsuspecting of the hurt that would be bestowed upon me in just a few minutes. The messages I received told me to “go and die”; that nobody cared about me; that I was ugly and stupid (mind you, my self-esteem was already terrible as it was). With my eyes shrouded in a mist of tears, I deleted all those messages, only to be hit by another wave of hate messages a few hours later. They told me that I was a coward for deleting the messages because I was “afraid of the truth”, or something like that.

The culprits were undoubtedly headed by S, and they got what they wanted – I felt horrible after that. I wanted to die. I wanted to cut. I felt alone and stupid. I hated myself. For the next few months, every time my self-esteem started to rise just a little, I would recall those messages and my self-esteem would fall and shatter into pieces.

Once, my debate team and I were brought onto stage to receive a congratulatory handshake from the Principal. We stood at the bottom of the stage, waiting to be called up. I was the youngest of the debate team at that time. We got onto stage one by one as our names were called. Of course, everyone was applauded by the students except for me. It went pretty much like this:

“Person A” *applause*

“Person B” *applause*

“Claire.” *silence*

“Person D” *applause*

The boys whom I always saw as my friends used it to mock me for the rest of the day. I smiled like I didn’t care for such trifles, but every time they laughed at me, it felt like a javelin was being speared through my stomach, and then jiggled around.

At that time, I still had a friend in school. I spent my recesses with her, even though we were from different classes. We were quite certainly best friends. In a few months, she had completely replaced by with new friends from her class and it was clear that I no longer held a place in her heart. Instead of me participating in conversation with the girls, I played the role of the maid. Every recess, I would take their orders, queue up at the drink stall, struggle to hold all their drinks with my two tiny hands, bring it back to them, and then spend the rest of recess standing there.

I got sick of it, and resorted to spending my recesses alone in the girls’ lavatory. I would bring my bag along, in fear of people stealing my things (it had occurred several times), and sit on the floor, leaning against a wall. I’d just sit there engross myself in my book. Pretty soon, however, my depression got so bad that I couldn’t concentrate on reading, so I would just sit there and stare at the open pages of the book, fantasizing of ways to kill myself. I learnt not to depend on people. I learnt to be alone.

I was pulled out of school in Secondary Four, right before my ‘O’ Levels preliminary examinations. My parents had already planned to take me out of school and I was supposed to leave at the end of the that term. Instead, I left about a week or two earlier because of the most intense bullying incident.

As usual, I was in the girls’ lavatory during recess alone. This time, however, I was in one of the stalls. I was in the handicapped stall, sitting on the floor with my bag the contents of my pencil case spilled onto the floor. I had in my hand my penknife, and had already drawn some blood. With a few cuts on my arms, I heard a bunch of chatty Malay girls walk in.

After a few minutes, they knocked on the door and asked why I was taking so long. I told them nicely to use the other stalls, or, if they wanted to use a handicap stall so badly, they could go to the toilets on the other floors. They refused. They kept on banging on the doors, demanding to know what I was doing. The loud banging and yelling triggered a panic attack, and I just started slashing my wrists. My left forearm was literally covered in parallel red lines.

One of them climbed up and peered over from the stall next to mine, and seeing the blood on the floor and my arms, she screamed to her girls in Malay that there was blood everywhere. Insults were then hurled at me, poking fun at me and calling me “emo”. I repeatedly told them to go away as I continued cutting, this time my right arm because my left was out of space. The tears that flowed uncontrollably were hot as they streaked down my cheek, and I completely lost control. I just cut more and more.

Unknown to me, another group of girls had walked in, and they were informed of the situation by the annoying squealing Malay girls. Someone slid a packet of tissues under the door to me. Thinking it was from the Malay girls, I threw it back out, screaming, “So, what – now that you see that I’m cutting, THEN you care?!”.

The toilet was finally vacated as recess was ending. I stared at the mess I had made. Blood was smeared across the floor, my hands were bloody from clutching onto my bleeding cuts in pain. I called my friend Joanne, and she brought along our form teacher. I then had to perform the walk of shame from the girls’ bathroom to the counsellor’s office with my arms bleeding.

That was my last day, and my worst day, of secondary school.

They were many people who would hang out with me for a few months, and then just leave when they find new friends. I even encouraged one of them, a boy, to try out for the all-girls dance society of my school. Back then, he was nobody. When he joined the dance society, he became a big shot. He became popular. I became obsolete.

Secondary school wasn’t all bad, though. I met a lot of people whom I hold dear to my heart. I love those people, and I live for them. They’ve stuck with me throughout everything, and they made school so much more bearable for me – David, Hui Xian, Janice, Joanne, Jorython and Phidias. They knew me for years, before my illness, during my illness, and they’re still by my side now.

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on ““how bad was your bullying in school?”

  1. Hey, you knew me once because I was in the same school as you. PS: I think someone introduced me to you, I can’t really remember but I remember talking to you a few times. Introduced as a friend, lol. But i think you can’t remember me.

    Anyways, like you, I was also bullied in that ass school. I so hated the people there and also fell into depression, now, I have never read your other blog posts but it appeared on my news feed so I thought ‘Claire? Wasn’t she the girl who I thought was surrounded by friends?’ I don’t know how you got your depression but I know mine started after I met my bullies. I never resorted to self harm even though I was really close to cutting myself. Everyday, my classmates would verbally abuse me. Even my only friend, was not my friend. I knew I was all alone and that nobody liked me. What I didn’t know was why. I don’t remember doing anything at all to them. They just assumed this about me and attacked me. That year was my lowest point of my life. No one, even my true friends that I met after I transferred, knew about what happened in my life at that point.

    I would return home from school just keeping to myself, and lying to my mother about how great life in secondary school was but in truth, I hated it with a passion. If I knew that I could transfer out during the start, I would have left immediately but i was scared and hopeful at the beginning. I thought no one in the world would be ‘cruel’ or ‘mean’. I was ignorant, yes. I never would have expected bullying to be real in Singapore despite all the stories on it. Pri school, no one really got bullied in my school so I never thought about it.

    After I found out I could transfer, I immediately asked for the form and quietly transferred away. That was my biggest regret. I should have told them after they abused me to f*** off and that since they hated me so much, me transferring away would be happiness for them. I bet to them, at the start of the new year, they thought I ran away. Yes I ran away but that was the best decision. I cut all of them off and went to the new school as though the past never happened. But deep down inside, it affected my self esteem a lot. Till now, sometimes I imagine them criticising me about all sorts of things.

    The new school was great though. I had gotten new friends and studied for my national exams and ended up with a grade that I would never have got if I stayed there.

    Not sure if you would even read this comment but I wanted to tell you my experience. Maybe it is irrelevant but I thought it would make me feel better after telling someone who experienced bullying too. PS: I hated that ass councillor who seemed set on that me transferring away would not change the bullying happened to me and that the bullying was my fault. She believed only their side and never mine. Thank god, we’re out.

  2. Hey anon. I’m glad you’re out of there.
    It’s a good thing, though, that you left. Sure, you ran away, but some times that’s the smart thing to do, because it’s going to be you against literally dozens of people. And those people are downright cruel. They’re not just mean; they’re cruel. Putting you down isn’t enough; they want to watch you hurt and battered on the ground.
    Let me know if you ever want someone to talk to.

    What you say isn’t irrelevant. At least not to me (:

    1. Thanks a lot claire :) you and I were never close when we met in that school but I wished we were, you seem like a really brave, strong and nice girl. Oh how I agree with you that they are cruel. But you know what, it is a good thing that we left. They can all be stuck in the hell hole for all I care. I never want to see any of my ex classmates and if I do, I sure as hell won’t be exchanging pleasantries even if they do greet me I would just walk away.

      I always felt useless and ugly and everything they said to me. It just haunts me. Whatever they said still applies to me even when I don’t want it to. One called me a promiscuous woman (not these particular words, they probably don’t even know what the word they called me means) Do they even know how hurtful that was? Till now, I don’t even know why I was called that. I don’t sleep around. What right do they have to call me that. And the worse part is, the bloody councillor said ”Why would he call you? Unless you showed him actions that pointed to that trait.” She was blaming it all on me. Hinting that the names they called me is true. What kind of councillor is this? A lousy one. She shouldn’t even be hired. I never showed these ‘actions’ she spoke of to anyone.

      After a whole year of suffering with those people, my confidence hit a new all time low. No one knew though. No one knew that I was insecure and crying in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep. No one knew that I was crying when bathing. I showed no one those emotions, not even to my boyfriend at the time. Everyone just thought I was perfectly normal and wanted to transfer away cause I have better grades. Oh how wrong they were.. My confidence now still isn’t good. I just pretend to be confident in hopes that by pretending, I would believe myself. It is hard isn’t it, Claire? The world after bullying. It’s not just hell during bullying. It actually followed me through my ‘new’ life. I just wish no one has to go through with bullying. It damages and destroys everything. Also, with me being a wary person after all this, I just hide in my little shell and feed lies when people asked me about my life before entering my new school. What can I do? Tell them openly? No way..

      1. It really IS hard, recovering from it all.
        It doesn’t seem that way to others, though. They just think “Oh, it’s just kids bullying each other for fun”, or “Every kid goes through it”.

        The counsellors at the school, I’m sorry to say, are not very good at handling bullying cases, and cases of depression. One of them had to borrow books on depression from my mother because she didn’t know how to “deal” with me!

        What’s holding you back from telling people what happened to you?
        You must keep in mind that everything that happened there, is not your fault. Secondary school is either the best or the worst time of your life, and we fall into the second category. We didn’t choose to be, though. It just happened. It’s unfair, but there is nothing we could have done, or can do, to change any of that.

        And I feel the same way about seeing ex-classmates. Except that I feel like punching them instead. But that’s not exactly “socially acceptable” behaviour :p

Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s